Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Secret Tapes from City Hall

Thanks to a well-timed Open Records Act request just before the upcoming city council election, I was able to get my hands on voice recordings of the private phone conversations of certain members of the city's Parks and Recreation department. The transcript reveals questionable details about the behavior of our city officials. It also confirms the truth of some of the most serious charges being made by candidates in the upcoming city council election. This could blow those races wide open.

After the jump, some of the highlights of the verbatim transcripts of the secret tapes from city hall.

Leslie: I am deputy director of parks and recreation and chairwoman of the departmental ad hoc subcommittee for pit beautification, Leslie Knope.

Leslie: I want it to be a perfect park with state-of-the-art swing set and basketball courts and off to the side a lovely sitting area for kids with asthma to watch other kids play.

Ron C.A. Swanson: I've been quite open about this around the office: I don't want this parks department to build any parks, because I don't believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese.

Mark: Honestly, Leslie, it's going to be a long uphill battle. You are going to be super-annoyed with all the people who want you to fail. There is a sea of red tape, endless road blocks.
Leslie: Screw it. I'm gonna try to do it anyway.

Leslie: This is where the rubber of government meets the road of actual human beings.

Leslie: These people are members of the community that care about where they live. So what I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.

Leslie: Well, in a true democracy we believe that the input of our citizens is extremely valuable.
Man: Hey, these pretzels suck.
Leslie: Thank you. See?

Leslie: I'm sorry, Ron. As much as I would like to go for the all-time city hall single-day meetings record, there is an emergency. Someone is trying to alter a gazebo.

Leslie: The yearly budget and planning proposal for our city is called The Master Plan. Isn't that just so awesome you can't stand it? I shall now reveal to you my master plan! Muahahahah ee ahahahah. Ugh, kind of sounded like a chimp there in the end.

Ron: My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke.

Leslie: The bankrupt government of our city has been shut down all summer so it's been three months of no work, no meetings, no memos, no late nights, nothing. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

William: We are postponing all planning and spending decisions indefinitely.
Leslie: Um, until when?
William: Indefinitely.
Leslie: And when will that end?
William: Later than now.
Leslie: So this week, probably?

Leslie: Our budget's been slashed to zero. I tried to buy fertilizer the other day for the soccer field ... request denied. We literally can't buy s**t.

Leslie: Budget solutions number twenty-eight: Use grazing sheep to mow grass in parks. Note: Tired sheep could become sweaters ... or food.

Leslie: Parks services are still here, and we have a job to do.
John: Make the world's biggest pizza.
Leslie: No, make this town fun for the people who live here.
John: Fine. But after that, the pizza is our top priority.
Leslie: No it's not.
Ron: We're getting pizza?

Ben: Apparently in this state if you don't provide a basketball league, people get very upset. And quite frankly throw things at you and call you names.
Leslie: Like Turd Boy?
Ben: Whatever. Point is I reinstated youth basketball.
Leslie: This says here you only have money for two teams?
Ben: Yeah, they're going to develop a great rivalry.

Leslie: And it's because of you, our rec center teachers, that every one of these recreation classes in this catalog shines like a jewel in our city's beautiful crown. Unfortunately due to budget constraints, this year we will have to remove five jewels from that crown.

Teacher: How will you decide which classes to cut?
Leslie: By attendance, and student evaluations. So just make sure your students leave with a smile.
Teacher: My class is called "Coping with Terminal Illness."
Leslie: Hopefully your attendance is good! Actually no. Hopefully it's bad.

Leslie: People in this town don't really like their government officials being activists. Last year a garbageman was suspended for wearing a Livestrong bracelet.

Leslie: I think it's a real shame when people focus on the tawdry details of a scandal. Personally, all I care about is Councilman Murphy's policies; not whether he was high on nitrous and cocaine during the cave sex ... which, by the way, I heard he was.

Tom: I changed my name to Tom Haverford. Because brown guys with funny sounding Muslim names don't make it far in politics.
Leslie: What about Amir?
Tom: Okay. Yeah. Fine. Amir.

For more information on this developing story, look here.

Some names have been changed to protect the identities of the innocent. Yeah. That's my story.

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